Sitting with the Dark Cloud

 

Sitting with the Dark Cloud

 

Imagine a dark, heavy cloud surrounding you, enveloping you. You try to move away from it but it moves with you. You try to push it away with your hands, but it can’t be pushed.

You start to feel anxious. You may start to feel frustrated, fearful, overwhelmed, or frightened. No matter what you do, you can’t escape it.

 

You twist and turn to shake it off you, but it won’t leave you. You start taking handfuls of it and fling it, trying to get rid of it. And yet, there it is, still.

 

This is what a good portion of my life felt like. Though I didn’t see the “cloud” early on, I always felt it. In my attempts to get it off me, I sometimes flung it at other people. It certainly wasn’t my intention to do so, but occasionally it wound up being the result.

 

I lived with it. I hated it. It depressed me. It angered me. Yet, I didn’t know what to do about it.

One day I decided to tackle it in a different way. I sat with it. I looked at it. I cursed it. But I didn’t push it away. I figured it was trying to tell me something. Or at least, I hoped it was. Something needed to give.

 

By sitting with it, it took me to the dark recesses of my soul. Some people call this shadow work, but I wasn’t familiar with that terminology 20 years ago.